I think I might sing a story. 
What kind of story should I sing? 
How about the one that's full of glory? 
How about the one that's fun for me? 

I would like to tell you about a man. 
A man named Horace Harold Schmunken. 
Horace Harold Schmunken, 
he was a yucky man. 

Horace Harold Schmunken, 
he liked to dig in dirt, that's right. 
He liked to dig in dirt. 
What kind kind of dirt did he did in? 

Did he dig in Garden's dirt? 
No! Not that Horace! 
Horace Harold Schmunken! 
Not that Horace! 
He liked to dig in social dirt. 
He liked to dig in social dirt. 

Horace Harold Schmunken, 
he was not a good man. 
And one day he decided to go 
as far as he could. 

He went far away to 
a distant, distant land and 
he dig in the trash of 
a very important person. 

Horace Harold Schmunken 
dug in the trash of a wizard. 
Horace Harold Schmunken 
dug in the trash of our favorite wizard! 

Horace Harold Schmunken 
found a destroyed, damaged artifact. 
Horace Harold Schmunken, 
he thought it looked good on his shelf. 
He took that for himself. 

Horace Harold Schmunken, 
he had the artifact. 
Horace Harold Schmunken, 
he would not give it back. 

He found it in the trash, and 
he thought it looked so fun, but 
that artifact, that artifact 
needed to be burned and 
that old wizard's trash was 
all slated to be burned, but 
without the artifact there 
that artifact survived. 
That artifact survived! 

That little artifact, 
that little artifact, 
it looked like a little statue, but 
it was in fact 
a demon turned to stone 
by that wizard's gleeful eye. 

A demon turned to stone with 
a wooden heart inside. 
And that wooden heart, 
protected by that stone, 
still would be destroyed in 
fire, oh so fine, but 

Horace Harold Schmunken, 
he stole that artifact. 
Horace Harold Schmunken, 
he stole that artifact. 

That demon in that stone 
slowly gained his powers back. 
That demon in that stone, its 
heart, it grew in fact. 

It grew and sprouted from within 
expanding the stony outer shell. 
It grew and spread all trough-out sin and 
soon it was in the room as well. 

And Horace Harold Schmunken's room, it 
had this weird, weird, weird-weird thing. 
And Horace Harold Schmunken, he 
touched it and sealed his doom! 

Horace Harold Schmunken, 
he was an evil man, and 
Horace Harold Schmunken, 
he touched that artifact. 

Horace Harold Schmunken, he 
would not live that long. 
He touched that growing obscene thing and then 
he sprouted two long dongs. 

Two long dongs reached to the ground and 
threw him to the sky. 
Two long dongs they grew 
to ground and soon 
he was so high, because 

Horace Harold Schmunken, he 
touched that artifact. 
Evil grew inside of him and stretched 
and stretched him to the sky. 

Horace Harold Schmunken 
with the evil now within. 
It saw the evil there before and 
and knew he was his kin. 

Horace Harold Schmunken 
and the demon now within, 
Horace Harold Schmunken 
they wanted, oh, to win. 

But, you know, it took them just a little 
longer than they thought. 
In his hut, it grew and sprouted 
soon it was not for naught. 

He did finish 
transforming his insides and 
soon Horace Schmunken's 
shell it split aside. 

And out crawled the demon 
with Horace now inside. 
Out, crawled the demon, and 
it's Horace's turn to cry, because 

Horace Harold Schmunken, 
he touched that artifact. 
Horace Harold Schmunken 
that demon's now got a snack. 

That demon as it crawled out it 
ate all that Horace had loved. 
Horace was an evil man, and 
loved nothing so that's what it was. 

Horace Harold Schmunken 
prevented that evil's growth because 
Horace Harold Schmunken 
had nothing to feed its soul, and so 

Horace Harold Schmunken 
and the evil he was inside, 
Horace Harold Schmunken, 
he was not all bad inside, because 
Horace Harold Schmunken 
even though he was pure evil, 
Horace Harold Schmunken 
had nothing good left that he could feel, and 
Horace Harold Schmunken 
had nothing to feed that demon. 

Horace Harold Schmunken 
starved that demon within. 
But inside that demon's breast, 
you know Horace, he cried. 

Inside that demon's breast, 
Horace could not survive 
Horace Harold Schmunken, 
he withered from within. 
Horace Harold Schmunken 
was consumed by his sin. 

And that demon as it grew it 
walked along the land. 
It was sometimes confused for a 
human from the human lands. 

That demon it wanted to 
find the wizard that had locked it. 
That demon, it wanted, 
wanted to destroy that wizard. 

That wizard, he did 
not know the demon was free. 
Yes, that wizard, he did 
not think to see. 
And as the demon walked, 
eventually, he did find. 

He found the wizard's home 
with the wizard's kids inside. 
That demon it was now hungry 
it had shrunken quite small, 
it looked like a wee child itself, and 
it wanted to eat more. 

However, the children of a wizard 
know things that other children might not think of. 
They knew how to spot that 
demon in that child. 
They knew the demon was there inside. 
For that demon you know 
it now looked like a child. 

That demon, you know was 
quite hungry inside. 
But that wizard's good children, yes, 
offered the demon some food. 

Enchanted food it was, of course, and the 
demon's head it blew! That 
head blew off its neck, and 
the neck unfurled big and 
inside that demon's bloody chest there 
was a little pig, and 
those kids they decided that 
the pig should be named Horace, in 
honor of that horrible thing that stole the demon before, and 
after that pig they grew, 
the children butchered it, and 
they all ate that piggy's flesh even 
the littlest kid, and so 

Horace Harold Schmunken 
he got what he deserved, and 
the children of the wizard, 
enjoyed their barbecue.