Horace Harold Schmunken

  • Artist: Mr. Beany’s Bitty Band
  • Album: 50/90 2017
  • Track: 28
  • Year: 2017
  • Title: Horace Harold Schmunken
  • Album Artist: Mr. Beany’s Bitty Band
  • Poet: S.W. Black
  • Genre: crapcapella

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Lyrics

I think I might sing a story.
What kind of story should I sing?
How about the one that’s full of glory?
How about the one that’s fun for me?

I would like to tell you about a man.
A man named Horace Harold Schmunken.
Horace Harold Schmunken,
he was a yucky man.

Horace Harold Schmunken,
he liked to dig in dirt, that’s right.
He liked to dig in dirt.
What kind kind of dirt did he did in?

Did he dig in Garden’s dirt?
No! Not that Horace!
Horace Harold Schmunken!
Not that Horace!
He liked to dig in social dirt.
He liked to dig in social dirt.

Horace Harold Schmunken,
he was not a good man.
And one day he decided to go
as far as he could.

He went far away to
a distant, distant land and
he dig in the trash of
a very important person.

Horace Harold Schmunken
dug in the trash of a wizard.
Horace Harold Schmunken
dug in the trash of our favorite wizard!

Horace Harold Schmunken
found a destroyed, damaged artifact.
Horace Harold Schmunken,
he thought it looked good on his shelf.
He took that for himself.

Horace Harold Schmunken,
he had the artifact.
Horace Harold Schmunken,
he would not give it back.

He found it in the trash, and
he thought it looked so fun, but
that artifact, that artifact
needed to be burned and
that old wizard’s trash was
all slated to be burned, but
without the artifact there
that artifact survived.
That artifact survived!

That little artifact,
that little artifact,
it looked like a little statue, but
it was in fact
a demon turned to stone
by that wizard’s gleeful eye.

A demon turned to stone with
a wooden heart inside.
And that wooden heart,
protected by that stone,
still would be destroyed in
fire, oh so fine, but

Horace Harold Schmunken,
he stole that artifact.
Horace Harold Schmunken,
he stole that artifact.

That demon in that stone
slowly gained his powers back.
That demon in that stone, its
heart, it grew in fact.

It grew and sprouted from within
expanding the stony outer shell.
It grew and spread all trough-out sin and
soon it was in the room as well.

And Horace Harold Schmunken’s room, it
had this weird, weird, weird-weird thing.
And Horace Harold Schmunken, he
touched it and sealed his doom!

Horace Harold Schmunken,
he was an evil man, and
Horace Harold Schmunken,
he touched that artifact.

Horace Harold Schmunken, he
would not live that long.
He touched that growing obscene thing and then
he sprouted two long dongs.

Two long dongs reached to the ground and
threw him to the sky.
Two long dongs they grew
to ground and soon
he was so high, because

Horace Harold Schmunken, he
touched that artifact.
Evil grew inside of him and stretched
and stretched him to the sky.

Horace Harold Schmunken
with the evil now within.
It saw the evil there before and
and knew he was his kin.

Horace Harold Schmunken
and the demon now within,
Horace Harold Schmunken
they wanted, oh, to win.

But, you know, it took them just a little
longer than they thought.
In his hut, it grew and sprouted
soon it was not for naught.

He did finish
transforming his insides and
soon Horace Schmunken’s
shell it split aside.

And out crawled the demon
with Horace now inside.
Out, crawled the demon, and
it’s Horace’s turn to cry, because

Horace Harold Schmunken,
he touched that artifact.
Horace Harold Schmunken
that demon’s now got a snack.

That demon as it crawled out it
ate all that Horace had loved.
Horace was an evil man, and
loved nothing so that’s what it was.

Horace Harold Schmunken
prevented that evil’s growth because
Horace Harold Schmunken
had nothing to feed its soul, and so

Horace Harold Schmunken
and the evil he was inside,
Horace Harold Schmunken,
he was not all bad inside, because
Horace Harold Schmunken
even though he was pure evil,
Horace Harold Schmunken
had nothing good left that he could feel, and
Horace Harold Schmunken
had nothing to feed that demon.

Horace Harold Schmunken
starved that demon within.
But inside that demon’s breast,
you know Horace, he cried.

Inside that demon’s breast,
Horace could not survive
Horace Harold Schmunken,
he withered from within.
Horace Harold Schmunken
was consumed by his sin.

And that demon as it grew it
walked along the land.
It was sometimes confused for a
human from the human lands.

That demon it wanted to
find the wizard that had locked it.
That demon, it wanted,
wanted to destroy that wizard.

That wizard, he did
not know the demon was free.
Yes, that wizard, he did
not think to see.
And as the demon walked,
eventually, he did find.

He found the wizard’s home
with the wizard’s kids inside.
That demon it was now hungry
it had shrunken quite small,
it looked like a wee child itself, and
it wanted to eat more.

However, the children of a wizard
know things that other children might not think of.
They knew how to spot that
demon in that child.
They knew the demon was there inside.
For that demon you know
it now looked like a child.

That demon, you know was
quite hungry inside.
But that wizard’s good children, yes,
offered the demon some food.

Enchanted food it was, of course, and the
demon’s head it blew! That
head blew off its neck, and
the neck unfurled big and
inside that demon’s bloody chest there
was a little pig, and
those kids they decided that
the pig should be named Horace, in
honor of that horrible thing that stole the demon before, and
after that pig they grew,
the children butchered it, and
they all ate that piggy’s flesh even
the littlest kid, and so

Horace Harold Schmunken
he got what he deserved, and
the children of the wizard,
enjoyed their barbecue.

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