The last time I was clean shaven 
I had this crazy dream. 
I dreamed that a ghost beard 
came to me. 

That beard was fuzzy. 
That beard was cute. 
And it crawled, creeping all on me. 

What do you do when you're visited by a beard? 
What do you do when you're visited by a ghost? 
And what, oh what could I do that day 
when I was visited by a ghost beard. 

That ghost beard crawled on me. 
Scritchity, scratchity at my feet. 
Demanding I wake up and 
see it with my waking eyes. 

I did not know what it desired! 
I did not know how it could fly! 
And yet it hung there in the sky. 
Making me look at it. 
Look at it until I cried. 

What do I do when I'm visited by a ghost? 
What do I do when I'm visited by a beard? 
What do I do when I'm visited by a ghost beard? 
What do I do? Who can I call? 

Now you know I do not shave my face. 
I don't shave my arms or my legs. 
In fact that razor would be a big disgrace. 
So it touches me nowhere. 

Now when I dream of that lovely, ghostly beard 
it sings to me happy beardy songs! 
It praises me for my hairy body. 
It sings to me until my dream is done.